Holi-daze

A couple of weeks ago I was lucky enough to have a 3-day weekend, and I was able to make it up to Seattle to spend a few days with my friends and family.

It seems to have made all the difference.

I came home feeling so much less anxiety about work and being in Bend...I just felt re-charged and better. My last two weeks of work went really well. I'm starting to find my footing, and the fact that the patient load has slowed down significantly since the second wave of H1N1 seemed to drop off, has made my life a lot easier. I know it will get busy again before my first Winter is through, but I'm feeling more confident and having more successes, which is helping so much. I also have gotten to know the people I'm working with a bit better, and this has also been a good thing. The physicians are really willing to help me when I get in a bind, or just need a second set of eyes to confirm my diagnosis. The nurses are very patient with me, and they work hard to make my life easier. Even the scheduling staff is always quick with a smile and does their best to make sure my day goes smoothly.

As a benefit to working a real job, I was able to fly my mom to Bend to spend Thanksgiving with me. (CJ had the whole week off work, so he went home for the holidays). It was great! I picked her up on Wednesday and we spent the whole weekend eating, going for walks, watching crime shows on TV and just hanging around. I have a little bit of the holiday blues this morning as life returned to normal too quickly, but I'm looking forward to going home for Christmas in just one short month.

CJ came home a day early to spend a little time with my mom and I, and we all went out and picked a beautiful Christmas tree! This is the 5th Christmas CJ and I have spent together, but the first tree we've gotten!! I'm so excited - it looks so festive! It also helps to make Bend feel a little bit more like home. It has surprised me how long it is taking me to feel comfortable here...

Anyway, that is essentially all that is going on with me. I'm always keeping up with the rest of you, and hope you are doing well.

With love,
Jen

Adjusting

Well, I've officially been seeing patients by myself for almost 3 weeks, 2 of those weeks have been at full-speed (the first week I got double the time for each appointment).

I won't lie or sugarcoat it. It's been hard. Many a morning I've woken up so nervous about going to work that I can't eat breakfast. I often go home just to think about a case or two that I feel like I didn't quite get right. I've cried. Multiple times.

But breakthroughs are starting to happen. Last night I was working the 2-8pm shift when we had a walk-in leg laceration. Turns out, it was a 15 year old who had been cutting down trees with his dad, and the chainsaw accidentally met his left thigh. It was a beauty....macerated edges, 7cm x 1.5cm x 1cm deep. Luckily I had a couple of openings in my schedule before my dinner break, so I got in there, cleaned him up really good, trimmed the edges and did a double layer closure that John Van Horn would have been proud of (thank you Legacy trauma!). It made me feel so proud because in a position where I am constantly faced with my weaknesses (ie: pediatric medicine), I finally got to shine a little. And, it didn't go unnoticed. None of the other mid-levels in the practice like to do suturing in the office, so the nurses and other providers were excited to see me getting right in there!

It also helped to remind me that at one time, that lac would have scared the bejesus out of me, just like pediatric medicine does at the moment. It reassured me that I can learn pediatrics, just as I learned to sew, and one day, I'll be damn good at it. For now, I must admit, it is still a struggle. It is a good struggle though...I need to struggle sometimes. It reminds me that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. And I do love the learning that comes along with this position. In the last month, I've learned so much about normal child development, pediatric nutrition, H1N1 (of course), pediatric reflux, croup, etc. If nothing else, this job will make having my own children SO much easier!

So, I am adjusting. I'm surviving. I'm keeping my head above water, and though I might not be the provider I want to be yet, I am sticking with it, and I'm on my way.

And yes, I'm doing self-affirmations. They work.

Jen