Adjusting

Well, I've officially been seeing patients by myself for almost 3 weeks, 2 of those weeks have been at full-speed (the first week I got double the time for each appointment).

I won't lie or sugarcoat it. It's been hard. Many a morning I've woken up so nervous about going to work that I can't eat breakfast. I often go home just to think about a case or two that I feel like I didn't quite get right. I've cried. Multiple times.

But breakthroughs are starting to happen. Last night I was working the 2-8pm shift when we had a walk-in leg laceration. Turns out, it was a 15 year old who had been cutting down trees with his dad, and the chainsaw accidentally met his left thigh. It was a beauty....macerated edges, 7cm x 1.5cm x 1cm deep. Luckily I had a couple of openings in my schedule before my dinner break, so I got in there, cleaned him up really good, trimmed the edges and did a double layer closure that John Van Horn would have been proud of (thank you Legacy trauma!). It made me feel so proud because in a position where I am constantly faced with my weaknesses (ie: pediatric medicine), I finally got to shine a little. And, it didn't go unnoticed. None of the other mid-levels in the practice like to do suturing in the office, so the nurses and other providers were excited to see me getting right in there!

It also helped to remind me that at one time, that lac would have scared the bejesus out of me, just like pediatric medicine does at the moment. It reassured me that I can learn pediatrics, just as I learned to sew, and one day, I'll be damn good at it. For now, I must admit, it is still a struggle. It is a good struggle though...I need to struggle sometimes. It reminds me that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. And I do love the learning that comes along with this position. In the last month, I've learned so much about normal child development, pediatric nutrition, H1N1 (of course), pediatric reflux, croup, etc. If nothing else, this job will make having my own children SO much easier!

So, I am adjusting. I'm surviving. I'm keeping my head above water, and though I might not be the provider I want to be yet, I am sticking with it, and I'm on my way.

And yes, I'm doing self-affirmations. They work.

Jen