Float On.

Life right now is a lot like the song "Float On" by Modest Mouse.

Daily happenings are flying by at a million miles a minute, and I've just decided to succumb to the rapid current. And it feels good.

My work life is busy, busy, busy. I've found a great niche for myself and I'm enjoying my patients. All 3 bazillion of them. I've also made great friends there, and in fact, two of the MA's are coming on my bachelorette trip to Vegas with me. I know that's generally not a great idea, but these girls are awesome and will likely be just as poorly behaved as I will.
I just got off an 11-day straight stretch of working, and I am actually not burnt out nearly as much as I was the first time I did it. I won't do it often, but it's nice to know I can thrive rather than merely survive.
Carissa H. is working in the office now, which is awesome, but I rarely see her - the midlevels are spread throughout the main and satellite clinics, so we aren't often in the same place. After work drinks have been fantastic though!

Home life is pretty busy as well. Turns out planning a wedding requires a lot of time and attention. I'm super excited though -- basically it's going to be an awesome party that ends with an 8 day vacation. How can you beat that?

CJ is awesome, as always. There could be some exciting career-related news coming soon, so we're keeping our fingers crossed.
We've been enjoying the Bend winter by spending a lot of time up on Bachelor snowboarding. Well, I've actually only been 6 or so times. CJ's been 28 or something crazy. He got "sick" a lot this Winter.
This weekend we're going to spend a day in Portland, and one of our errands is to do our wedding registry (the Macy's here is tiny, so we figured we'd go to the downtown Portland store). I have no idea what we're going to register for, but I think it's going to be a whole lot of fun. We are lucky enough not to NEED anything as we've lived together for 4 years now. But, most of what we do have is hand-me-down and crappy. We could really use a new toaster that doesn't require complete cooling between toasting sessions. Or a can opener that doesn't dig into our hands. Or fitted sheets that actually fit our bed and don't pop up on the corners all the time. Wahoo!

Anyhoo -- that's life. It's good.

All good at the moment

So...essentially my title says it all. Right now, things are good.

Work is going well, the days have been at a nice pace and I haven't had too many unruly patients.

CJ and I are doing fantastically and looking forward to our wedding, which is oh-so-rapidly approaching.

My family and friends are healthy, and I know this because I got to see so many of them in person this holiday season.

If only the Ducks had won the Rose Bowl....

Jen

Ouch.

Missed a work meeting I was supposed to be at this morning.

Purely forgot. I have no other excuse.

Did my apologies to the appropriate parties involved, and found out that in fact, the meeting didn't really concern me much anyhow.

Still, not my best work.

Holi-daze

A couple of weeks ago I was lucky enough to have a 3-day weekend, and I was able to make it up to Seattle to spend a few days with my friends and family.

It seems to have made all the difference.

I came home feeling so much less anxiety about work and being in Bend...I just felt re-charged and better. My last two weeks of work went really well. I'm starting to find my footing, and the fact that the patient load has slowed down significantly since the second wave of H1N1 seemed to drop off, has made my life a lot easier. I know it will get busy again before my first Winter is through, but I'm feeling more confident and having more successes, which is helping so much. I also have gotten to know the people I'm working with a bit better, and this has also been a good thing. The physicians are really willing to help me when I get in a bind, or just need a second set of eyes to confirm my diagnosis. The nurses are very patient with me, and they work hard to make my life easier. Even the scheduling staff is always quick with a smile and does their best to make sure my day goes smoothly.

As a benefit to working a real job, I was able to fly my mom to Bend to spend Thanksgiving with me. (CJ had the whole week off work, so he went home for the holidays). It was great! I picked her up on Wednesday and we spent the whole weekend eating, going for walks, watching crime shows on TV and just hanging around. I have a little bit of the holiday blues this morning as life returned to normal too quickly, but I'm looking forward to going home for Christmas in just one short month.

CJ came home a day early to spend a little time with my mom and I, and we all went out and picked a beautiful Christmas tree! This is the 5th Christmas CJ and I have spent together, but the first tree we've gotten!! I'm so excited - it looks so festive! It also helps to make Bend feel a little bit more like home. It has surprised me how long it is taking me to feel comfortable here...

Anyway, that is essentially all that is going on with me. I'm always keeping up with the rest of you, and hope you are doing well.

With love,
Jen

Adjusting

Well, I've officially been seeing patients by myself for almost 3 weeks, 2 of those weeks have been at full-speed (the first week I got double the time for each appointment).

I won't lie or sugarcoat it. It's been hard. Many a morning I've woken up so nervous about going to work that I can't eat breakfast. I often go home just to think about a case or two that I feel like I didn't quite get right. I've cried. Multiple times.

But breakthroughs are starting to happen. Last night I was working the 2-8pm shift when we had a walk-in leg laceration. Turns out, it was a 15 year old who had been cutting down trees with his dad, and the chainsaw accidentally met his left thigh. It was a beauty....macerated edges, 7cm x 1.5cm x 1cm deep. Luckily I had a couple of openings in my schedule before my dinner break, so I got in there, cleaned him up really good, trimmed the edges and did a double layer closure that John Van Horn would have been proud of (thank you Legacy trauma!). It made me feel so proud because in a position where I am constantly faced with my weaknesses (ie: pediatric medicine), I finally got to shine a little. And, it didn't go unnoticed. None of the other mid-levels in the practice like to do suturing in the office, so the nurses and other providers were excited to see me getting right in there!

It also helped to remind me that at one time, that lac would have scared the bejesus out of me, just like pediatric medicine does at the moment. It reassured me that I can learn pediatrics, just as I learned to sew, and one day, I'll be damn good at it. For now, I must admit, it is still a struggle. It is a good struggle though...I need to struggle sometimes. It reminds me that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. And I do love the learning that comes along with this position. In the last month, I've learned so much about normal child development, pediatric nutrition, H1N1 (of course), pediatric reflux, croup, etc. If nothing else, this job will make having my own children SO much easier!

So, I am adjusting. I'm surviving. I'm keeping my head above water, and though I might not be the provider I want to be yet, I am sticking with it, and I'm on my way.

And yes, I'm doing self-affirmations. They work.

Jen

Fall has fallen, and so have I.

It's 11:15am on Monday and I'm at home watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" CJ is here too, we are both sick.

I came down with the flu (presumably H1N1, which I was, ironically, vaccinated against) and subsequently developed a secondary sinus infection which I finally got antibiotics for today. I gave CJ the flu as well. He went in to work today and they sent him home, telling him to Lysol everything he touched on the way out.

I'm lucky that I am so new at work, because even though I was scheduled to see patients at a regular pace today (I saw patients last week, but at a very slow pace), I only had one appointment scheduled (usually my day fills up with same-day appointments). Work was really cool about it, and they actually have me blocked out for tomorrow unless I let them know that I'll be coming back in. I think I'll probably be fine by tomorrow because I usually respond really quickly to antibiotics.

Work in general is great, but super overwhelming. Jumping into pediatrics during the height of a flu pandemic that is targeting children, as well as the beginning of the croup and RSV season, is insane. I am dealing with really sick kids and questioning every single decision I make. And I know I've made mistakes, so I am just trying to ask for as much help as I can....a second set of ears to listen to a 9 year-old's lungs (yep, bilateral basilar rales), a second set of eyes on a strange looking scab-rash-thing on a 5 year-old (Non-textbook impetigo) or an opinion on prescriptions (too many instances to list).

It's been really humbling...which I think it is supposed to be. I do admit, however, that I spend more than a little time at home thinking about patients I've seen each day, wondering how they are doing, and if I did the right thing. That part of the job sucks.

I know it will get better, but I also know it will be a slow road with lots of peaks and valleys.

Missing my Hillsboro peeps.

Jen

Would you like some cheese with that WHINE?

So my last post was during a very frustrating game of phone ping-pong with the Oregon Medical Board and the United States Postal Service. End result was that my "missing" registration form that I mailed in was finally found...and thank goodness, because I was about to drive up to Portland and look for the damn piece of mail myself!

On a happier note, I really like my job so far. I finally saw some patients "on my own" today (rotation style: I went in first followed by the regular PA). She said she agreed with all my findings and diagnoses, and seemed impressed that I could actually see most TM's clearly despite squirmy kiddos with lots of ear wax. I didn't realize how much I missed seeing patients!! I had a blast talking to the parents and making funny faces at the kids. I still have a lot of medicine to learn, and some forgotten medicine to remember, but the love is still there, and that is the most important thing.

On a less happy note, I get heartburn now....way too often. Thinking of starting myself on a daily OTC H2 blocker or PPI. What a bother.

Random.

Jen